Sunday, December 30, 2007

1,2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more!

dude i have put my two maps (one of the US one of the world) on my wall and they are awesome! Also found a $5.00 little red dress that in my size at marshalls. I love it! its very little french girl and it fits like a dream! And in just two days i will be in new york with the turrigiano's... could this week get any better!

oh and my traveller i.q. has just reached a new level! i made it to level 10... ranked number 3 within my friends! oh yeah.... i'm so pathetic!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

brain vomit

so i've just come to the realization that other people who write blogs, really put time into them. They spend time writing as if they were writing a paper of some sort. they edit, they think and it sounds amazing and put together. while i on the other hand do think about my blogs but i write them as they come pouring out of my brain onto the keyboard. no thinking of how it fits or if its grammatically correct. while i think both very important in paper writing. my blogs are in rawest form, my brain vomit so to speak.
yet i'm glad i've come to this conclusion because i was beginning to think everyone thinks so succinctly, and i on the other hand am just utterly a mess in my brain. feeling a little absent-minded professor-ish. But i like my blog as my brain vomit space as well as i like reading others well-thought out blogs, i'm just happy to know i'm not as crazy as i think.
not terribly interesting, but there it is my brain vomit.

"Casey I just feel like i'm broken"-M.

In light of recent events and seeing old friends, can i just say that life screws people up. And it happens pretty fast. Even in the most unusual place and most unexpected people. We are all just broken people. And I just look at my friends and people I've grown up knowing and see how broken they are becoming. It is breaking my heart. My soul is aching as I see them become crippled by life and its turns. And its tough. I know the answer, for Jesus came to heal the broken. And yet some of these broken people are followers of Jesus who are just continuing to be the ones causing and becoming broken. Some aren't and thats almost easier. Because you can show them a different way. We are called to help our brothers and sisters carry their burden, but what if they aren't wanting to find the answer. Getting well is hard. You have to be strong or surrounded by support... you have to dig into your pain and for some they've experienced so much its too hard.
Even yesterday in Old Navy trying on a Christmas sweater, I came upon a woman looking to see if she would fit/look good in this red velvet dress. I thought it was stunning but she didn't like it. She didn't like herself. She told me her husband had just died in a car accident. After 25 years of marriage and she didn't feel very colorful anymore. I told her I thought she looked amazing in red. But she continued trying on, liking nothing. Almost as if she could buy a little happiness or joy. But we had a good chat and I invited her to our church the next day. But it is just so sad to see such pain.
I guess I just feel like my eyes are being opened more and more to this brokenness I see around me. Its tough, I feel as if my spirit is restless and upset... squirming within my body. And maybe its due to a few hearings of very troubling news which included old friends.
And I know this is a very depressing and cynical blog.... but I'm not meaning it to be, for we have hope. And its radically inclusive. Jesus is the answer, anyone can have relationship with him. I guess its just sad when you see so many people who are broken.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Casey and the big apple

i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city.

ANd i love city boys!

why oh why am i in suburbia?

Monday, November 12, 2007

the cold war on the sofa is getting closer.

So in just my second day of being a 19- year-old single mom of six children, we run into conflict. Its the everyday sibling conflict thing. Someone being mad at the other... neither one believing they are in the wrong. Not willing to apologize until the other sibling does, they feel vindicated in their anger. Its the stuff that makes up the days of moms everywhere, not unusual. But as it happens moms happen to be the mediators, the peacemakers, the diplomats. So I stepped up to bat.

I found to be a looking glass into the human complex. As I sat with each person in individual "counseling" sessions and began to tell to put themselves into the shoes of the other person, they seemed unwilling to even consider this possibility. They were so sure they were in the right, unwilling to look at the other through another lens than "evil-doing, corrupt, meanie sibling." And as unwilling as they were to look at life through the others eyes they were even more so to show that person grace, apologize, admit they were wrong, or forgive.

Which then lead me to my next point with each child, you can't change anyone but yourself. If you hate the situation, you have to change, or as Ghandi put it, " YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world." And of course neither of them could see how they could possibly change or would even need too.... haha. How human, we do this so often don't we. We can't see outside ourselves.

I found this to be a very profound look into humanity. At the essence of all of us, we are lawyers, able and willing to defend ourselves to the jury. We rarely try to see the other side, the compromise. Rarely do we take the path of the proverbial "bigger man" and admitting we were wrong first, apologizing first, giving grace to the other at the risk of being disrespected, or not having the other see how just maybe we were right.
Hmmm children are very telling .

Thankful Notes:
-the teenagers song by my chemical romance (it speaks to the shock-value rebel in me!)
-good hair days
-my fab boss
-play dough
-taking the trash to the street at night, when you can have quiet moment, or chat with the neighbor
-the glow of street lights at night
- the lump nooma video... it makes me cry every time and i'm not crier
-on that note the unconditional love and grace of jesus christ. that he loves me just as muchon my worst day as on my best!
-God's beautiful creation, those cute boys decked out in autumnal wear of sweaters and scarves!
- finding hidden treasure spots like the donut shack which is open 24hrs or killer trash in baltimore.
- emily and andrea who i feel to be soul sisters who are fun and deep ( a simple but hard combo to find)
-warm towels out of the dyer
- the AmAzinG and unique gifts god has given us
-my eyes both to see out of and to look at (i think they are quite nice!)
- my health and my body again to use and to look at!
-people who are willing to dig with me, challenge me, journey with me.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

"But greed is a bottomless pitAnd our freedom’s a joke We’re just taking a
pissAnd the whole world must watch the sad comic displayIf you’re still free
start running away.Cause we’re coming for you!"

-"Landlocked Blues", Bright Eyes

More to be thankful for:
-visionary arts musuem
- make-up
- conversations with Becca
- chai tea
-seeing katie
-the support system the girls at work provide for eachother and the children. it really is a family
- being able to somehow show children at work the love of Jesus and provide stability and love in their life.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


so i was just listening to that old worship song "Creation Calls" which i totally love. i remember my friend Amanda saying she didn't like, she says its a song for artists. Which ok maybe makes sense that i like it.

But really I love seasons... the change. The beauty of the everyday. The sun makes me smile. The crisp air. color. dark nights. light nights. The leaves changing. snow. the rebirth of spring. the depth of autumn. the fling of summer. Maggie tells me i'm hysterical, i eat seasonally, i listen to music seasonally, i dress seasonally. and each one excites me. I love it!

I just think that song captures it so well, "How can we say there is no God when all around creation calls..." I feel that way.

AND as it is the season of Thanksgiving i am going to start listing things that i am thankful for on my blog. Even the little things. So heres just a start:

-phone calls or e-mails from far off friends.
-colors! (and my love for their different shades, tints, and hues)
-leeann a friend who equally loves the small things as much as i do such as a perfect cup of hot apple cider
-the amazing experiences and adventures God has put in my life
-God's making us creatures of creativity whether it is lived out through loving to dress up, make music, study math or bake! We are all creative!
-that God made us creatures that are able to dance ( theres nothing better than dancing around the kitchen with a good friend and some fun music)
-my favorite mug
-people who make me laugh
-candle light on the ceiling
-nature especially the stars
- did i mention dancing
-good hugs(and willie for showing me the difference counts)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

so as i was listening to the radio an old song played one i like. I just love the words so i thought i would just copy a clip of the lyrics of the Song "What its like" by Everlast:

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin for your change. the hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange. he asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes"get a job you fucking slob" is all he replied. God forbid you ever had to walk mile in his shoes cuz then you really might know what its like to sing the blues. then you really might know what its like

I just love it. I think we are so quick to think and judge. To see a homeless man, a drunk, a thug, an addict, a teen mom, a prostitute and put them into the box of what society says about them "whore" "lazy" "heathen" . But what we need to do is see them as a broken human. They never started out that way and probably never intended to end up where they are. We don't know what's happened. They don't need more judgement they need love. All of this thought process is probably from the talking about working with women in prostitution in Baltimore. and that's what the people who work with the women caught in prostitution say. they don't need more shame they need love. This is where Jesus would be. On the front lines. The place and people which society disdains. This is where he would be showing them a different attitude.
Its uncomfortable for us to do this. Its so far out of what we know, our comfort zones, our convenient middle class suburban lives. But this is where we are called to be, where we have to be. And i know that I am no saint in this area but I hope to become more aware, more relevant, and more immersed in this place. I hope to be immersed in the "untouchable" of today.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

black holes and revelations.

Can i just say that things are settling in back home in MD now... i think i'm finding my way back into life here in a completely different way than before yet still me at home. And things are busy busy busy. as usual. but good.

I've just finished a photo essay for my women's studies class... its a FABULOUS class... but as i was completing the assignment, it struck me in so many ways young girls are socialized into seeing their physical assets as possibly the most important parts of them. I see it everyday at work, whether its little five-year-old kaitlyn telling me when she does jumping jacks she fits into her clothes better, or babysitting four year old kennedy who tells me she wants a belly like this (sucks in stomach.) And truly it breaks my heart. Why is society telling these girls what you look like is the most important, how thin you are determines your worth... God it makes me sick. No doubt i like to look pretty, anyone who knows me knows i love to dress up, but i don't think that my only worth is in my appearance. Although i have to say middle school and highschool do really make you concerned with all things physical. And it is hard when so much around you says be pretty, be blonde, be thin, be blue eyed, be this mold.
Beauty is sooo much more than purely physical. You can find beauty everywhere... in any size and any shape and any color. Why are we telling these girls who you are, what you think, your dreams, your thoughts, they don't mean much? What you look like thats where your value comes from... gosh it just makes me soooo upset. And we wonder why girls give themselves away so quickly to boys who don't deserve them yet... because they don't believe they are worth more... (and im sure there are lots of issues with boys and masculinity.) And sooo many times i find my girlfriends in these situations with these loser guys that they can't seem to ditch, and they give so much to them... and my heart cries... i just want to tell them "you're worth more than that, you are worth more than that." so that it will sinnk into they're very being, but it rarely does. and my heart cries.

Friday, September 14, 2007

What can you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

So I guess I've graduated from the teenage use of livejournal to a blog, inspired by my wonderful sister to do so. I'm not so sure how i feel about blogging, i love writing to get it all out of me... i've always been a journaler, but posting it online... i'll give it a go though.

So I guess I've been back in the States from my year out in the UK six weeks now. I've come home to enroll at AACC (go figure right) and its finally settling down. Its like and now reality hits, this is where I am for at least the next eleven months. And its hard at the moment. I had settled into the way of life in the UK, had some good friends, and found myself in a church where I was involved and excited about life. And now I've done my seeing everyone and find myself missing Bristol.

I was expecting culture shock when I came home but here it hits. And the hardest part is feeling alone. I can't explain it to anyone, it would be for me to move back. And I have, I hate to complain because I know I'm very blessed, my friends just see that I've change and how that affects them. I just don't feel myself right now. I used to feel so alive, I was peppy, and now due to culture shock and some hurtful things I've heard were said about me, i just don't feel myself. I was so shocked about the things said. i tend to be very loyal, even when people have hurt me I don't go talking to others about them. And i know I need to throw myself into new here, new life, new friends, all of that but really i just feel like the piece in the puzzle that doesn't fit ( a bit dramatic, i know) It makes me all just want to leave again whether to England(which i hope will still be part of my future at some point) or somewhere I can start over, knowing no one. I know thats not the answer, because whereever you go there you are. And its hard too not to close down my heart after hurtful things have been said by someone you so trust and love. Sometimes I feel myself fighting the urge to shut down to build the wall, and i know because i've been there before and i have to choose to keep my heart open and soft, but its hard. And i think everytime this happens to me(which is not often thank God! I don't think I could handle it) that i can't do it again. But thank God he carries us through and the heart has amazing resilience.

With that said there have been some wonderful people who have been great to me... the salismans my family katie. And I've been offered a free room in new york city if i choose to go to uni there next autumn. And I know I'll be ok in the end its just getting there thats tough... I just feel like I need Jesus to carry me right now. He's all I have and I suppose thats the best position to be in. Well this has been super long and dramatic, but I guess bloggging is good it gets it out.