Friday, September 14, 2007

What can you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

So I guess I've graduated from the teenage use of livejournal to a blog, inspired by my wonderful sister to do so. I'm not so sure how i feel about blogging, i love writing to get it all out of me... i've always been a journaler, but posting it online... i'll give it a go though.

So I guess I've been back in the States from my year out in the UK six weeks now. I've come home to enroll at AACC (go figure right) and its finally settling down. Its like and now reality hits, this is where I am for at least the next eleven months. And its hard at the moment. I had settled into the way of life in the UK, had some good friends, and found myself in a church where I was involved and excited about life. And now I've done my seeing everyone and find myself missing Bristol.

I was expecting culture shock when I came home but here it hits. And the hardest part is feeling alone. I can't explain it to anyone, it would be for me to move back. And I have, I hate to complain because I know I'm very blessed, my friends just see that I've change and how that affects them. I just don't feel myself right now. I used to feel so alive, I was peppy, and now due to culture shock and some hurtful things I've heard were said about me, i just don't feel myself. I was so shocked about the things said. i tend to be very loyal, even when people have hurt me I don't go talking to others about them. And i know I need to throw myself into new here, new life, new friends, all of that but really i just feel like the piece in the puzzle that doesn't fit ( a bit dramatic, i know) It makes me all just want to leave again whether to England(which i hope will still be part of my future at some point) or somewhere I can start over, knowing no one. I know thats not the answer, because whereever you go there you are. And its hard too not to close down my heart after hurtful things have been said by someone you so trust and love. Sometimes I feel myself fighting the urge to shut down to build the wall, and i know because i've been there before and i have to choose to keep my heart open and soft, but its hard. And i think everytime this happens to me(which is not often thank God! I don't think I could handle it) that i can't do it again. But thank God he carries us through and the heart has amazing resilience.

With that said there have been some wonderful people who have been great to me... the salismans my family katie. And I've been offered a free room in new york city if i choose to go to uni there next autumn. And I know I'll be ok in the end its just getting there thats tough... I just feel like I need Jesus to carry me right now. He's all I have and I suppose thats the best position to be in. Well this has been super long and dramatic, but I guess bloggging is good it gets it out.