How many friends do you have?

Been listening to NPR. I love it. There was a special this week about the internet and its social aspects. Networks such as Facebook have grown our number of what sociologists call "weak" links, which are somewhat like acquaintances. But "strong" links they say are reported developed only through continual face to face interaction. Interesting... and i'm blogging about it. lol.

Yay for all my new cleaning supplies... all organic!

Boo our room is taking too long... glad that dan is handy though. It will be amazing when its all done.

UFC night

So a few months ago I was at a UFC night; a nice little get together with all things needed at a man's sporting event- beer, chips and dip. Well I'd never watched UFC fighting, but the guys told me it was better than boxing or wrestling. They warned me that it was pretty brutal and I could leave if I needed to.

And so there I was sitting, watching, and understanding why these fights can become quite addicting entertainment. But also thinking though centuries apart we are not so different from the Romans who loved to watch the gladiators fight. Its crazy. But perhaps the most dangerous statement of the night came from one of the guys on the couch who said, "Look at these warriors!" And i think thats the danger of entertainment like that. Those men are not warriors in battle, they are entertainers. Yes, they are really fighting but they aren't fighting for anything but fame, glory and entertainment. These glorified cage fighters are to men, what Angelina Jolie is to women. A story of what the "ultimate/quintessential" man or woman is. I think what we have to remember is that they are just entertainers.

Overall it was quite an interesting night. Wonderful food and beer, nice conversation, and new food for thought.

A dicotomy

Some days I feel sad about it.

Some days I feel in love with everything else.

Some days I just say "fuck them, they don't even care that they hurt me."

But then some days I just want to call because i miss them; I want to let it all go and be friends once more.

Some days I'm mad at Jesus, for letting it be like this. For leaving me to hurt.

But then some days I am amazed at how he reaches out to me in the midst of my pain, my brokenness; when I am rejecting him, when I'm sure we've gone so far beyond repair, and I know I'm drowning... he reaches out to save me.

Some days I am a brat... and yet He still chooses to bless me... its really amazing; and today I am so thankful for that.

Flight of the Phoenix; exhaustion

I search the terrain for a safe place, soaring, but not so high anymore. My wings are worn and wilted... broken by past encounters. I long for a landing space, but see nothing. My body aches from months of pushing on through the wind and rain. My jaded and broken heart weighs me down. Can I continue flying?

I long for fire, for new birth, for the hope that comes in fertile ash. When will it come; it cannot be forced. I'm tired, how can this ache so much, how can the terrain below look so barren and dangerous?

Fire, I long for fire.

go to sleep

"Lay back, lay back, go to sleep my man
Wipe the blood from you face and your hands
Forgive yourself if you think that you can
Go to sleep, go to sleep my man."

A little Avett Brothers to brighten your day.

A taste of here

There are things about home that we really take for granted. I never even realized these little characteristics about Maryland until I left. The smell of the different seasons, the croaking of the frogs and katydids singing in the summer, the feeling of the breeze and the electricity of dusk, and the blooms of the spring. I suppose I could go on and on... all things I never realized were so wonderfully beautiful about my home... but I absolutely love. My senses tingle with the sense of being home as I drove with the windows open last night and the buzz of dusk was in the air and I could hear the singing of the katydids and frogs. I knew summer is coming and I'm home.

A return

In the midst of winter we forget how beautiful spring is. We believe it may never come again; but without fail, and despite how horribly cold and gray its predecessor was it always returns. And with its return it brings an appreciation for its beauty that is greater than ever before.

A step

The anger has passed and now only sadness remains. And now I'm left a little girl on the playground asking my daddy why some of my friends don't want to play with me anymore.

Print a full bleed of this yellow soul

I don't know what to write, but thats when you need to write. At least thats what they say. It has been an exhausting few months... Full of incredible joy, i'm engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I can't believe he exists. And of course there has been deep sorrow like I haven't know in years... and its all mixed together the good and the bad, as is usually so in life. What an incredible dichotomy this thing we call life is; so beautiful and yet sad, it creates such depth to the world i think.

Unbelievable things are happening with the wedding. It is overwhelming to see the community of people that i often take for granted pitching in and supporting us in this next step that dan and i are taking. seriously i'm so excited for this awesome party and new journey in life. Its times like this you see that you do have an incredible community and i more than most feel blessed to be in what i think is like one of those old time communities that everyone is talking about and longing for. Dan and I have received so much. How good is our God that he gives us such provision and such wonderful people who I know would carry us if we needed.

On this semester, well I'm not sure how I will make it through. But i'm sure I will. I'm so overwhelmed with everything I am doing. School is fantastically hard. Though it stresses me out I absolutely love the higher bar to jump. The professors are pushing me to be a better artist, but it takes time, hard-work, and tears... but thats usually when the breakthrough comes. (I'm going to try to create a chandelier out of soda cans for my installation project) I'm working a new job as a part time nanny with a fabulous family. I can't believe I get to work with them... its eery how they are perfect for me. (and i now have a free photographer, who is eager to take engagement and wedding photos!) But its getting me up way earlier than last semester which is making me perpetually tired at the moment.

God is bringing stuff up in my LTG and bringing healing, its hard and scary but good and I feel so safe with Audra and Rebecca. My little Baltimore family is growing and back... where would i be without them.... I love that aspect of my life. I am doing via, which in itself is a learning experience. I am finding my footing in how to lead a group of students who are my friends. Its great but exhausting the time it takes and just the sheer amount of driving and distance I feel from Baltimore and the rest of my life when I am with via. It all seems overwhelming at the moment but i have a fabulous fiance who wants to help me carry the burden and rub my shoulders through it all. And I keep hearing from God to rest and continue to rest and I will get things done in his divine rhythm .... which is good. So either I am in denial or a really good place about everything that is needing to be done. Perhaps its both.

I am currently loving the Avett Brothers. Music has always been so therapeutic for me and such a source of inspiration, joy, and release of pain. So its good that I'm loving a band again. Hmmm so this dichotomy of life is intriguing me right now... maybe there will be some avett influenced artwork in with that theme.

I guess I had lots to write.