so as i was listening to the radio an old song played one i like. I just love the words so i thought i would just copy a clip of the lyrics of the Song "What its like" by Everlast:

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin for your change. the hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange. he asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes"get a job you fucking slob" is all he replied. God forbid you ever had to walk mile in his shoes cuz then you really might know what its like to sing the blues. then you really might know what its like

I just love it. I think we are so quick to think and judge. To see a homeless man, a drunk, a thug, an addict, a teen mom, a prostitute and put them into the box of what society says about them "whore" "lazy" "heathen" . But what we need to do is see them as a broken human. They never started out that way and probably never intended to end up where they are. We don't know what's happened. They don't need more judgement they need love. All of this thought process is probably from the talking about working with women in prostitution in Baltimore. and that's what the people who work with the women caught in prostitution say. they don't need more shame they need love. This is where Jesus would be. On the front lines. The place and people which society disdains. This is where he would be showing them a different attitude.
Its uncomfortable for us to do this. Its so far out of what we know, our comfort zones, our convenient middle class suburban lives. But this is where we are called to be, where we have to be. And i know that I am no saint in this area but I hope to become more aware, more relevant, and more immersed in this place. I hope to be immersed in the "untouchable" of today.

black holes and revelations.

Can i just say that things are settling in back home in MD now... i think i'm finding my way back into life here in a completely different way than before yet still me at home. And things are busy busy busy. as usual. but good.

I've just finished a photo essay for my women's studies class... its a FABULOUS class... but as i was completing the assignment, it struck me in so many ways young girls are socialized into seeing their physical assets as possibly the most important parts of them. I see it everyday at work, whether its little five-year-old kaitlyn telling me when she does jumping jacks she fits into her clothes better, or babysitting four year old kennedy who tells me she wants a belly like this (sucks in stomach.) And truly it breaks my heart. Why is society telling these girls what you look like is the most important, how thin you are determines your worth... God it makes me sick. No doubt i like to look pretty, anyone who knows me knows i love to dress up, but i don't think that my only worth is in my appearance. Although i have to say middle school and highschool do really make you concerned with all things physical. And it is hard when so much around you says be pretty, be blonde, be thin, be blue eyed, be this mold.
Beauty is sooo much more than purely physical. You can find beauty everywhere... in any size and any shape and any color. Why are we telling these girls who you are, what you think, your dreams, your thoughts, they don't mean much? What you look like thats where your value comes from... gosh it just makes me soooo upset. And we wonder why girls give themselves away so quickly to boys who don't deserve them yet... because they don't believe they are worth more... (and im sure there are lots of issues with boys and masculinity.) And sooo many times i find my girlfriends in these situations with these loser guys that they can't seem to ditch, and they give so much to them... and my heart cries... i just want to tell them "you're worth more than that, you are worth more than that." so that it will sinnk into they're very being, but it rarely does. and my heart cries.

What can you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

So I guess I've graduated from the teenage use of livejournal to a blog, inspired by my wonderful sister to do so. I'm not so sure how i feel about blogging, i love writing to get it all out of me... i've always been a journaler, but posting it online... i'll give it a go though.

So I guess I've been back in the States from my year out in the UK six weeks now. I've come home to enroll at AACC (go figure right) and its finally settling down. Its like and now reality hits, this is where I am for at least the next eleven months. And its hard at the moment. I had settled into the way of life in the UK, had some good friends, and found myself in a church where I was involved and excited about life. And now I've done my seeing everyone and find myself missing Bristol.

I was expecting culture shock when I came home but here it hits. And the hardest part is feeling alone. I can't explain it to anyone, it would be for me to move back. And I have, I hate to complain because I know I'm very blessed, my friends just see that I've change and how that affects them. I just don't feel myself right now. I used to feel so alive, I was peppy, and now due to culture shock and some hurtful things I've heard were said about me, i just don't feel myself. I was so shocked about the things said. i tend to be very loyal, even when people have hurt me I don't go talking to others about them. And i know I need to throw myself into new here, new life, new friends, all of that but really i just feel like the piece in the puzzle that doesn't fit ( a bit dramatic, i know) It makes me all just want to leave again whether to England(which i hope will still be part of my future at some point) or somewhere I can start over, knowing no one. I know thats not the answer, because whereever you go there you are. And its hard too not to close down my heart after hurtful things have been said by someone you so trust and love. Sometimes I feel myself fighting the urge to shut down to build the wall, and i know because i've been there before and i have to choose to keep my heart open and soft, but its hard. And i think everytime this happens to me(which is not often thank God! I don't think I could handle it) that i can't do it again. But thank God he carries us through and the heart has amazing resilience.

With that said there have been some wonderful people who have been great to me... the salismans my family katie. And I've been offered a free room in new york city if i choose to go to uni there next autumn. And I know I'll be ok in the end its just getting there thats tough... I just feel like I need Jesus to carry me right now. He's all I have and I suppose thats the best position to be in. Well this has been super long and dramatic, but I guess bloggging is good it gets it out.