strawberry lips and candy kicks

2011-03-09T17:00:00.000-08:00

i stumbled upon some readings on ash wednesday. In light of current events here... i find it very in line and refreshing. i don't have much to time to write but i love that it is about ash wednesday is that it is a time to grieve and repent. Something i think we don't do often. It is a period of reflection, of self- denial, a time to put into practice what is most important. It is a time of healing.

2011-03-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately. Really i've been feeling like starting up blogging again, but perhaps under a different blog... this one is old. hmmm never getting around to it... but i think i will or perhaps tumblr. not sure yet. lots is going on in my head...

today i had a run in with my past (not just a little run in... like wham here it is... this is everyone you've ever known/whose hurt you/ you've loved/love moment)... it wasn't as scary as it used to be. It felt nice not to be scared. It left me feeling a little sad though, and yet happy in some ways. weird.

How many friends do you have?

2010-11-30T13:35:00.000-08:00

Been listening to NPR. I love it. There was a special this week about the internet and its social aspects. Networks such as Facebook have grown our number of what sociologists call "weak" links, which are somewhat like acquaintances. But "strong" links they say are reported developed only through continual face to face interaction. Interesting... and i'm blogging about it. lol.

2010-08-18T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yay for all my new cleaning supplies... all organic!

Boo our room is taking too long... glad that dan is handy though. It will be amazing when its all done.

UFC night

2010-07-27T13:47:00.001-07:00

So a few months ago I was at a UFC night; a nice little get together with all things needed at a man's sporting event- beer, chips and dip. Well I'd never watched UFC fighting, but the guys told me it was better than boxing or wrestling. They warned me that it was pretty brutal and I could leave if I needed to.

And so there I was sitting, watching, and understanding why these fights can become quite addicting entertainment. But also thinking though centuries apart we are not so different from the Romans who loved to watch the gladiators fight. Its crazy. But perhaps the most dangerous statement of the night came from one of the guys on the couch who said, "Look at these warriors!" And i think thats the danger of entertainment like that. Those men are not warriors in battle, they are entertainers. Yes, they are really fighting but they aren't fighting for anything but fame, glory and entertainment. These glorified cage fighters are to men, what Angelina Jolie is to women. A story of what the "ultimate/quintessential" man or woman is. I think what we have to remember is that they are just entertainers.

Overall it was quite an interesting night. Wonderful food and beer, nice conversation, and new food for thought.

A dicotomy

2010-07-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Some days I feel sad about it.

Some days I feel in love with everything else.

Some days I just say "fuck them, they don't even care that they hurt me."

But then some days I just want to call because i miss them; I want to let it all go and be friends once more.

Some days I'm mad at Jesus, for letting it be like this. For leaving me to hurt.

But then some days I am amazed at how he reaches out to me in the midst of my pain, my brokenness; when I am rejecting him, when I'm sure we've gone so far beyond repair, and I know I'm drowning... he reaches out to save me.

Some days I am a brat... and yet He still chooses to bless me... its really amazing; and today I am so thankful for that.

Flight of the Phoenix; exhaustion

2010-07-18T18:37:00.000-07:00

I search the terrain for a safe place, soaring, but not so high anymore. My wings are worn and wilted... broken by past encounters. I long for a landing space, but see nothing. My body aches from months of pushing on through the wind and rain. My jaded and broken heart weighs me down. Can I continue flying?

I long for fire, for new birth, for the hope that comes in fertile ash. When will it come; it cannot be forced. I'm tired, how can this ache so much, how can the terrain below look so barren and dangerous?

Fire, I long for fire.

go to sleep

2010-04-29T18:26:00.000-07:00

"Lay back, lay back, go to sleep my man
Wipe the blood from you face and your hands
Forgive yourself if you think that you can
Go to sleep, go to sleep my man."

A little Avett Brothers to brighten your day.

A taste of here

2010-04-03T15:33:00.001-07:00

There are things about home that we really take for granted. I never even realized these little characteristics about Maryland until I left. The smell of the different seasons, the croaking of the frogs and katydids singing in the summer, the feeling of the breeze and the electricity of dusk, and the blooms of the spring. I suppose I could go on and on... all things I never realized were so wonderfully beautiful about my home... but I absolutely love. My senses tingle with the sense of being home as I drove with the windows open last night and the buzz of dusk was in the air and I could hear the singing of the katydids and frogs. I knew summer is coming and I'm home.

A return

2010-03-31T19:40:00.000-07:00

In the midst of winter we forget how beautiful spring is. We believe it may never come again; but without fail, and despite how horribly cold and gray its predecessor was it always returns. And with its return it brings an appreciation for its beauty that is greater than ever before.

A step

2010-03-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

The anger has passed and now only sadness remains. And now I'm left a little girl on the playground asking my daddy why some of my friends don't want to play with me anymore.

Print a full bleed of this yellow soul

2010-02-04T17:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to write, but thats when you need to write. At least thats what they say. It has been an exhausting few months... Full of incredible joy, i'm engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I can't believe he exists. And of course there has been deep sorrow like I haven't know in years... and its all mixed together the good and the bad, as is usually so in life. What an incredible dichotomy this thing we call life is; so beautiful and yet sad, it creates such depth to the world i think.

Unbelievable things are happening with the wedding. It is overwhelming to see the community of people that i often take for granted pitching in and supporting us in this next step that dan and i are taking. seriously i'm so excited for this awesome party and new journey in life. Its times like this you see that you do have an incredible community and i more than most feel blessed to be in what i think is like one of those old time communities that everyone is talking about and longing for. Dan and I have received so much. How good is our God that he gives us such provision and such wonderful people who I know would carry us if we needed.

On this semester, well I'm not sure how I will make it through. But i'm sure I will. I'm so overwhelmed with everything I am doing. School is fantastically hard. Though it stresses me out I absolutely love the higher bar to jump. The professors are pushing me to be a better artist, but it takes time, hard-work, and tears... but thats usually when the breakthrough comes. (I'm going to try to create a chandelier out of soda cans for my installation project) I'm working a new job as a part time nanny with a fabulous family. I can't believe I get to work with them... its eery how they are perfect for me. (and i now have a free photographer, who is eager to take engagement and wedding photos!) But its getting me up way earlier than last semester which is making me perpetually tired at the moment.

God is bringing stuff up in my LTG and bringing healing, its hard and scary but good and I feel so safe with Audra and Rebecca. My little Baltimore family is growing and back... where would i be without them.... I love that aspect of my life. I am doing via, which in itself is a learning experience. I am finding my footing in how to lead a group of students who are my friends. Its great but exhausting the time it takes and just the sheer amount of driving and distance I feel from Baltimore and the rest of my life when I am with via. It all seems overwhelming at the moment but i have a fabulous fiance who wants to help me carry the burden and rub my shoulders through it all. And I keep hearing from God to rest and continue to rest and I will get things done in his divine rhythm .... which is good. So either I am in denial or a really good place about everything that is needing to be done. Perhaps its both.

I am currently loving the Avett Brothers. Music has always been so therapeutic for me and such a source of inspiration, joy, and release of pain. So its good that I'm loving a band again. Hmmm so this dichotomy of life is intriguing me right now... maybe there will be some avett influenced artwork in with that theme.

I guess I had lots to write.

A blanket of rest visits Maryland

2009-12-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

A glorious noreaster has blown in about 23 inches of snow this weekend. What an incredible way to end a semester; thank you Jesus! Snow storms are such a wonderful reminder that though we think we are in control of our lives, something as little as frozen water molecules can turn us upside down. We all have to stop and look at the world. We are forced to rest. And what an awesome sight to see the world silent in a white SPARKLING blanket of snow. For a moment the world is so peaceful. It is one of my absolute favorite experiences; the sound of nothing but snow falling and the look of everything so beautifully crystallized. It is a time to rest and play with the people closest to you. Even the people you meet on adventures out into the storm, there is an exchange and care for eachother that does not usually occur on a regular basis.

I love the hot drinks, board games, puzzles, movies, and books that can be experienced without worrying about what needs to be done on a snow day. A bonding little surprise with the ones you love, and a vibrant reminder that God is in control and he will bring us rest.

Confessions from a granddaughter of a domestic goddess

2009-12-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of my dear friend Becca. Who has a fabulous food blog, gourmet cooking on a dime, I have decided to share one of my family domestic goddess secrets. Well, it may not be a secret after all but still worth sharing.

Growing up if anyone of my siblings (there are seven of us!) stained a beloved piece of clothing it would be taken immediately to my grandma. She is one of those fabulous women who know how to pinch a penny, but believes in buying quality items and taking care of them. She is a guru of house care and can tell you anything from where to get a quality bra, who can re-sole your favorite boots, to how to get blood out of the sofa. The only domestic quality she lacks is the ability to cook, which my mom makes up for.

So yesterday when I spilled the yam maple-butter sauce all over my new cute (and potentially long-term) shirt dress, I knew where to go. I had simply washed it, but the oil stain remained. So I called grandma immediately. Whatever you must do, DO NOT DRY a stain, the dryer heat sets the stain and its a goner by then. This is what my grandmother told me, when you get the stain if you are not in the immediate vicinity of stain remover, spit on the stain. Spit has enzymes that can break down the stain. Once home a paste of baking soda and water can be applied to the stain and allowed to sit for 30 minutes. Also lemon juice can be applied to the stain. If these are unavailable dishsoap can cut through grease stains (which was eventually what got the butter out of my dress!) If none of these work, I call my grandmother again, she has more secrets or take it to the dry-cleaner (they are pretty amazing and were able to get chinese food grease out of my favorite trenchcoat!)

Happy stain removal!

Reflections on Fifth grade

2009-12-07T09:31:00.000-08:00

When I was nine years old I entered the third grade at a new public elementary school. Before this year I had been going to a private christian school, and the transition was rough on me to say the least. I threw up the first three days of third grade because I was so nervous. In my first few weeks there it was apparent that I was behind all the other students in math and writing, struggling to keep up. Thankfully I had a most wonderful teacher, Mr. Turner, who was quite the pusher. He met with my parents and told them I was smart but needed to just work hard to catch up. My parents were incredible and tutored me every night, always pressing me to work "maximum" not "minimum" in my homework. Well, it worked.

Fast forward two years, I graduated fifth grade, class valedictorian. Silly little award I know. But I was presented with a gift from my principal, a framed poem, called 'Don't Quit'. I loved that poem and memorized it in the weeks to come. I still love it and had no idea how much it would correspond with my life journey. Not that I've had many hardships, just in how life can be difficult at times. I almost always reflect back on it. I thought I would share:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

A time for change

2009-11-27T10:19:00.000-08:00

A butterfly begins his journey as a caterpillar. He hatches from an egg and crawls out an ugly little worm. A worm who lives to eat. Gorging himself he gains strength to build a cocoon and energy to live through the period of metamorphosis. He grows strong and big. A cocoon he begins to weave around his body securing himself for up to two weeks. Inside he cannot move his mouth or legs, his movement is limited to wriggling his body. His skin begins to soften and stress marks appear, out tears his next body, not yet a fully formed. Over the next few days he grows and changes into a fully developed butterfly. And when he is finished he cannot yet leave. He must break through the cocoon, tearing the silk to be free. It is a painful process. And yet to prevent him from it, or even to aide him in his emergence would be to his detriment. The tearing strengthens his wings, it this final step that allows him to fly.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

I had the worst day yesterday. So glad I have a little family formed in Baltimore that helps me through days like that. Community, and I mean real hard formed community which takes time, love, and a lot of grace and talking... that is what got me through yesterday. I'm so glad I am blessed with such community.

My journey to become a disney princess

2009-11-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

I had to move room the other day as my ceiling was leaking from all the rain and its been leaking for awhile now. Even after rerubberizing the roof, so they will have to cut into the roof and with jonathan moving and getting married it was decided that i would move into his room.

So after a long day of me and dan moving my bed and everything else into my room and setting it up a bit, I was feeling great. This room set up feels more peaceful and comfortable than my last even though its smaller. I was loving the set up, and dan and i finished the evening with yummy rice and veg while watching the collector on my laptop in my room. (finishing the meal off with tea and berries and cream!)

I went off to bed that night feeling great and ready for a full nine hours night of sleep! When I heard a little scratching noise, and I knew it was a mouse. I decided to write it off because its on my floor and will just run around like those little creatures do in my house sometimes. But the sound was getting closer and closer, and i looked over to the wall side of my bed and a little furry creature was running down my bed!

I jumped up and went downstairs because dan was sleeping on the couch. He set a trap and offered to switch bed arrangements like a true gentleman, but i knew if i didn't sleep in my bed that night i would be more fearful the next night. And this is it. Its either move out or name the mice and talk to them while they are in bed. This is where I'm living.... I don't have any other options. (i mean its not totally true but anyother option would be extremely inconvienant and i believe you make it in life by buying oneway tickets and sticking through the hard shit. ) Anyway I went back to bed. Didn't sleep well at all that night, couldn't sleep for hours but finally drifted off to find the mouse dead in the trap the next evening and finding myself more and more comfortable in my room. Stilling praying each night and trusting that God is bigger than the little mice that might crawl into my bed.

Healing through giving.

2009-11-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

So I found myself again on one of my favorite websites, www.postsecret.com. A community mail project that was started many years ago by a man named Frank Warren. He provided for people an address to send in decorated postcards with their secrets, deep and dark or funny and light alike and select ones are posted on the website. The project took off, it has made rounds as an exhibition in art museums, the cards have been released in a series of books, and it has been a movement which has given many hope.

Anyways I was on the website and one of the cards really touched me it read, " Working with cancer patients has helped me stop having suicidal thoughts." and i thought how brilliant is this? thats it really it isn't it. So often we are told that our lives happiness lies in self-fufillment or even in therapy in finding "our wounds." Which I will say working through our wounds is important but its really through serving others we take the focus off of us and we are happier and we get healed in the process. I'm not saying go do and push your problems under the rug; I'm saying we find fufillment not in focusing on ourself as our culture tells us, but in doing as Jesus did and serving others. Ironic, countercultural, and anti-self help at times it is what it is.

Nothing quite like a good push out of the nest

2009-10-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

i gave my first pecha kucha presentation in class the other day and i did great! i'm not saying this to brag but i'm quite proud of myself... i've never thought of myself as good at public speaking but as I'm an education major I find myself having to do it more and more and I'm getting quite good. Which is just a shock to me! I'm always a little nervous but it usually clears up and with a pecha kucha i had to give a presentation with pre-timed slides without notes. And everyone remarked on how well i did... they all told me i was the most natural, just chatting in front of the class, informative and funny and timed quite well. I'm so excited and pleased with myself.

The moon controls the movements of the tide

2009-10-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

I feel the tide turning. The pull between two gravities, the oscillation of the waters and the floor beneath me. Cold under currents being drawn to the warm surface, there is a shock but life prospers in cool waters. Everything will change.

How small the world really is...

2009-10-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I'm sitting in my Advanced Writing class, which I may add is an amazing class. After the first fifteen minute free write we're all sharing our mini essays and the guy next to me, Dan, shares with the class that his brother will be coming home from Eastern University this weekend. To which I'm surprised and squeal, " My brother goes there too!" Shocked that I'm sitting next to the one person at Towson, a University that has over 20,000 students, has a brother who attends the same small college my brother attends.

Well we exchange brother's names and i text Jon-Michael, my brother. He replies saying "Oh yeah, Raphael is one of my best friends. How do you know him?"
I'm awed now... and so I ask Dan what his brother is doing at Eastern and how he chose to go there. And his reply is he is majoring in Anthropology and minoring in Missions. At this point I just laugh and squeak one more time... so is my brother!

At this point my whole class is just bubbling with laughter and telling us we have the same brother. How funny is this. Needless to say the rest of the class, Dan and I talk and giggle, by this time there is no stopping my laughter. I can hardly believe this but it was such a nice surprise. I just forget how related we all are sometimes and then a moment like this comes along.

A realization

2009-09-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been loving living in the city. I love my neighbors and I love my neighborhood. I don't wish I was back in Severna Park. I like the feel of the houses and the community. I love Khaleek and how he visits me and we paint on my stoop. But today I am feeling the heaviness of the city.

I was listening to my roommate tell stories about what he had seen that day and days before. Stories of violence and rage. And I felt a heaviness of the city. The cycles which are so hard to break out of but lead to death. And I realized the things we are asking these people to do are really radical. Of course we've always said that but the things Jesus asked us to do are so hard. Like how do you explain forgiveness to someone who has had their brother killed and they still see his murderer everyday and how do tell someone to respond in love when violence is the cycle they live in. Thats hard. I still believe it is the best way, but I realize how radical the Gospel really is.

Also if anyone has ideas of were to find these items cheap could you please let me know:

-A large mirror to hang on the wall of my living room
-a drying rack
- sharp knives
-cool artwork
-a doormat
-light figures

2009-09-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

So this morning I woke up at the Hoards as I usually do on Tuesday mornings and came down to find the house to myself. I poured myself a nice cup of coffee and realized there was a book on the table called, The Christian WOMAN...Set Free (women freed from second-class citizenship in the Kingdom of God.). The title intrigued me and scared me a bit, so I started to read. I might add that it was written by a man! Yay for wonderful men! So I read 3/4 of the book this morning. It is an easy read, written as though I'm listening to a story on the radio.. quite funny. It gives a broad overview of where the thought of women as second class citizens began and how secured itself early on in the church. That section made me very sad, hearing the terrible things Greek philosophers and popes said and did to women.

But then came the chapters on Jesus and Paul and the early early church and how they were the greatest liberators women had seen. The chapter on Jesus made me cry. It was as if for the first time I saw how Jesus really was so radical to women. And Paul, I think for a long time I was not sure how I felt about Paul and his attitude toward women, but reading this chapter made it able to see how revolutionary Paul was too about women and how wrongly he is quoted. I was able to see Paul and his personality and really like and appreciate him, I was able to see myself as his friend back in the day! haha I know that sounds really odd but it helps me understand and know the Bible as well as people more. To be able to put myself in the situation with them.

This book is not super in depth and intellectual but offers a broad history... it does cite some books however that I would really like to get into. And I realize I have not finished it yet so it could spiral downwards after I post this but I wanted to share how its helping me a girl who feels strongly about women and their roles on earth and loves jesus, but could not reconcile the teachings in the Church (not particularly my church but the broader church) with her gender.

Beginnings

2009-09-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a month I’ve been moved into south Baltimore. I decided I wanted to blog my journey of living life in the hood, but as usual life has gotten the best of me with starting a new university and moving and the lack of internet at my house. So one month in and I will start.

The first week was exciting and lonely all at once. My roommates are lovely but extremely busy themselves as one is a youth pastor in the city, the other visits his fiancé, and the other commutes to Virginia for seminary (! This last one blows my mind. I can barely handle the commute to my school which is just outside the city!) I felt though I was just twenty minutes from my old residence in a totally different world. It was exciting, but I mourned the ability to walk into any of my siblings rooms and have an instant companion. It took just one week of figuring out the city and my new routine and fixing up the house and the loneliness and mourning was gone. I love my new house; an abandoned row house in the area of the city in which our church and bethel Presbyterian have been ministering to the women caught in prostitution.Tom bought the house and did some renovation so that we might be a positive presence in the community.

About a week ago I met the neighbor boy Kaleek (I’ll have to make sure that’s how you spell his name when I see him next). The kids in the city just break my heart, I’ve been crying a lot about them. So I was very excited to meet him, and we’ve been tight ever since. Last night he knocked on my door to say hi and introduce me to his friends, so I brought out some paints and spent the evening painting with him. Through him I’ve met his mother and some of his mother’s friends, who I think were quite pleased that I was playing with the kids. Kaleek has been my connection to the neighborhood.

Instead of writing a book I’ve decided to share the highlights of my last three weeks:

When it rains the ceiling in my room leaks, I have to put pots down, this weekend the ceiling started falling in!
I’ve loved staying with the Hoards in North Baltimore Monday and Tuesday nights when my classes end to late to come home. Good friends are such wonderful gifts!
I went to the Book Thing, where they give away free books; you can take as many as you want! Devin took about 100… crazy.
I’ve found ALDI the glorious cheap grocery store!
I’ve been eating mostly rice, pasta, beans, and vegetable dishes, (finding I can be a pretty good cook and a pretty thrifty, almost vegan lady) when a lovely lady in the church found out she bought me a bag of meat!
Daisy so kindly donated kitchen and house utensils to my house.
We’ve caught 2 more mice making a total of 12 kills.
I’ve been cleaning and fixing up the kitchen and dining room… even put up our first picture… the house is starting to become a home… so much more to do!
Dan has been an incredible support and handy man (hooray for handymen!) throughout the process even though he has been moving too.

2009-03-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm procrastinating the world's most retarded paper to write ever....aaaahhhh h except the next one that i will have to write for this ed psych class... the class is great the papers are pointless... and i usually don't mind writing. ugggh.. ok i just had to get it out of me. back to writing.

Spring Awakening

2009-02-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

As spring is coming... i'm feeling this rebirth in of the things I love. I'm absolutely loving my art class right now and all the charcoal i'm using... it feels so good. I've been getting my whole body into it, and my professor is awesome. It is all making me think back to last spring and my outside art creating... allowing me to become excited to do more in a few weeks time! And i'm feeling a bit of writing popping up in my head... nothing in full, but phrases and words... it feels as though i'm on the verge.

Today I went crazy with a q-tip cleaning my cell phone... haha. I heard it holds tons of bacteria, which breeds because its kept in warm dark places. haha... there is a bit of OCD in me still. Also loving my ed psych class, its great in practical application.

O holy night.

2008-12-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

O Holy Night is my absolute favorite Christmas song. No matter how mad the season seems to get, whenever I hear it I cannot help but pause and think of Jesus, his birth and new life and my absolute gratitude and love that he came to set us free. I can't make it through it without crying when we sing my favorite verse:

Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease.

Wow, its just so powerful i feel it speaks for itself. I am hoping that this Christmas season and through out the year(and my life) I can know and live this truth more.

What we found was there always

2008-11-10T10:01:00.000-08:00

I found this quote today in my notebook... i remember seeing it in one of the works in the "All Faiths Beautiful" exhibit at the American Visionary Arts Museum. I found it quite beautiful so I wanted to post:

"I had such a hopeless desire for you til I saw how your light yearned for me too. I pushed and I pushed til I saw it was you who had already drawn me to every good that I knew."

This Bleeding World

2008-10-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

I've had another interesting experience today. I went to my 11:30 Bio lecture and as it turned out only four other students showed up. It being an absolutely gorgeous sunny warm autumn day my professor suggested we take our small study session outside. And since it was just women, of course we got to talking about life, men, marriage, weight, death, spirituality, pyschics, child birth. It was really quite amazing how open we all were with eachother, especially my professsor, who told us weepily about the death of her brother and her failing 23 year marriage.

This led to another one of the girls telling us about how she was recently left waiting at the altar for her fiance. She finished with how she wished she had seen a pyshic before her wedding, because then she would've known and could've been prepared. And it reminded me of a mother recently talking of her grown son, "I'm worried if he goes into ministry because he might get hurt." Ah. Here we are; hurt.
How we wish we could protect and prevent it, but we can't. And while, it is AWFUL, it is part of life. We have all experienced it, we have all had to deal with hurt. Life is full of it. Yes, hurt it sucks and its universal. I've found though it is through pain that we grow. I've learned much more from pain and hard things, than from pleasant. I feel more compassion because of the hurt. I say this only of course, because I can give my hurt to Jesus, he reaches out and touches and feels it with me and takes it. Because really though I've learned through my pain, the only reason I'm not crippled by it is because I don't have to bear it alone. And of course I still have loads I'm sure I need to work on.
And it made me sad and glad. Glad that I have a Savior who isn't afraid of my messy ugly hurt. Glad that I can look back now on past hurt and have grown and pushed through it. And yet sad because the world is full of so much hurt. People who don't deal with it, who want to hide from life or love, people walking around practically crippled with pain from hurt. And with this in my mind I must do as Donald Miller says we need, " to hold our hands against the wounds of this broken world, to stop the bleeding."

Mr. Crabby

2008-09-25T09:41:00.001-07:00

As I was walking to my car yesterday evening I stumbled upon the most surprising of things... a live blue crab in the grass. I am in a total quandry as to how it got there as I do not live on the water... save maybe he got out of someone's crab pot.

I left the crab in my sink til I got back from my lab.(after quite a fight... he was a fierce) And I was going to steam him, but when I came back I could see that he was slowing down and dying. And I couldn't do it... at twelve o'clock after a bit of a struggle to get him into a bucket without getting pinched, I took him to the severn river and released him.

I feel at peace about my decision though, except that my conspiracy theory brain is somehow linking the presence of the crab in my yard to the destruction of the enviroment.

the grass is green!

2008-07-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Wow summer is flying by so fast. And with it brings a whole phase of unexpected gifts: a boyfriend and a new car! Its crazy to look back to last year and think that I was about to celebrate Becki's birthday in London, finishing up Via, planning to go to Royal Holloway, and enjoying my time with the Turrigianos. Ha Ha. How God had different plans for me, and now I look back and think it was hard to make the decisions I did at the time, but I'm glad that I did. I couldn't see the forest through the trees yet. Isn't that how it always is... and its not just the having a boyfriend and a car... its everything that has fallen into my life these last several months and its been different than I expected, but wonderful. Life's an adventure... its the only way I want it. I'm just so blessed that God knows that about me!

Ponderings of me

2008-06-01T21:12:00.001-07:00

So I've been really thinking about a few things lately. Trying to figure out what is really the best possible way to live... Is it better to work only part time for the rest of my life to develop relationships and really work on being in community and being alive and working in the community?
I think it is always better to be generous... this has been such an amazing blessing when others have been to me it has made me really think that i want to be as generous as my means allow. Maybe i will have to live more simply. ANd in light that i will now acquire my second free car ( a mind blowing blessing from God!!!!) I don't think i could ever trade in or sell an old car... i feel that i should always find someone in need and give it away(if/when i buy a car)

And i'm kind of annoyed with Christians that have seemed to have lost the ability to relate to people... like they don't know how to be friends!!! please God, never let me lose sight of people as people and lose my ability to just be a good friend.

In other news my sunflower has started to bloom!!! And Katie Maggie and I have found everyone's inner HArry Potter character.... I'm Tonks... yes its true i'm in love with a werewolf.

three right in a row!

2008-05-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

WOw God is good... so much to be thankful for today! A free car possibly(my second one... God really has my back!!!!), a free bike (thanks to Bryan!) A lovely long walk to Gary's Grill. Rita's gelati with Ashleigh. Sunshine! Julie being an awesome friend. My dad being absolutely ridiculous with boys my age, and then smiling at me the whole night telling me it was just because he was just thinking about me thats all. haha.

A magical evening.

2008-05-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

I just had the most magical experience tonight. As I was sitting outside Caribou Coffee with Dan I notice this dumpster. I love dumpster diving so I run over to it, but realize its not a good dumpster just full of coffee and cardboard. Dan mentions that there are tons of dumpsters behind the shopping center so i say lets go... we found tons of awesome cigar boxes which we will use in some form of art. We left a huge sign outside the gamestop dumpster which we drew with sharpies the recycle sign and the mother theresa quote "there are no great things only small things done with great love"(because they did not recycle all those cardboard boxes)

So we ended up sneaking into the Atlanta Bread company dumpster where we found our jackpot! A whole trash bag full of loaves of untouched bread in many assortments!!! Such a waste but such a beautiful thing to find. So we took it to my house where we made coffee, toast and eggs in a nest,(with our new found treasure) to celebrate. Now i have a billion loaves of bread downstairs to decide who to give them to tomorrow... Wow this was an exciting night.

La La Lovely Day

2008-05-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a lovely memorial day! I slept til 1130 which i felt my body really needed and awoke to a gorgeous sunny day. Spent a few hours out weeding and planting in the garden. Then went out to paint in my backyard. Had a barbeque with the family this evening started reading again. It was lovely!

And bryan says he may have found a bike for me!!! Its a fixer upper but I'm soo excited, yay for bike riding... ahh its been soo long. And tomorrow Julie and i will begin our running ... eek i'm a little apprehensive, but excited to run with her! Keeping doing new things... its suppose to keep you young right... although i think i'm a bit ahead of the game as i'm only twenty...haha. so essentially i'll be fifteen soon. oh no, i think my plan is backfiring!

Still loving being light blonde. Decidely have an addiction to boys in bands with dark hair, white tees, suit vests, and fitted jeans (how are there so many?) And still saddened by friends who seem not qutie ready to give up their addictions...:(

Just the smell of the summer can make me fall in love.

2008-04-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

These past few days have been absolutely gorgeous! Summer is fast approaching... the sun is out and its warm. Daylight lasts longer and then there is dusk and summer nights which are my favorite!

Have had many a good conversation lately with friends about really living your life. While going to college and preparing for the future is not bad, people seem so consumed with it all. They graduate and have to work to make their payments and move to the next level. But we really believe that while you need to take care of those things you need to live in the now. Enjoy each day be in the present. So with this wonderful season approaching... i took the break between my classes the other day to go to a nearby little beach and walk all the way out on the dock and just be for an hour. It was wonderful! and the scenery uniquely maryland. And yesterday went to the park... to just BE. And it was great.... the hippie in me is awakening in the spring time months. Trying to be and just be in the present more and more these days. just wishing i could go to the beach for a week and do nothing but sit on the beach and live off shrimp and margaritas.

have also decided to wear as many sundresses and skirts as possible this summer... avoid wearing pants or shorts as much as humanly possible.

one foot in front of the next

2008-04-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

"Like David, I wanna be a man after God’s own heart. And I’m not there yet, but I’m past the start." - Bradley Hathaway's Manly Man

I'm not there yet, but i'm past the start. I like it. Thank you Mr. Hathaway.

2008-03-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

ugh sometimes i just have days when i just dont want to do church anymore. you ever have those days? i mean I'm all about Jesus, but its those crazy people that put me off. I jjust don't know... you know one of those days when you just pray constantly, need a good cry, and want to move to figi or somewhere with no one. ANd then just when you are about to pack all your stuff up there is peace, there comes good company, good laughs, peace from God, something just a bit uplifting happens, and you just know that it will be ok... You feel Him. And He speaks love.

i dunno, maybe i'm crazy but this is me. And all i have to say is the older i get the more i just want real people to surround me, honest and real.

Good night New Hampshire.

2008-01-27T17:03:00.000-08:00

So I have to laugh when i think back to my interview with Tom for Via. I said the thing i would most hate is speaking in front of people and here i am a year and a half later, giving announcements at youth conferences and churches. HA! God sure has a sense of humor. And it gets easier as I go. I absolutely love it too... i get my expenses paid to go meet a bunch of people, and hang out for a few weekends when all I have to do is give a little announcement. Its been fun. But definitely stretching, in the best way. You fall down to pick yourself up, you get humiliated to stay human. You realize that its all Him so it takes a the pressure off (ok not all but a load)

And He knows me. I get to meet new people at conferences, I get to be involved in bringing Via and involved in Youth, I get to go to Palestine for free. Its exciting and new and fun. I was so afraid of getting stuck and bored in Maryland, and here He is probably chuckling as I realize I'm not stuck and won't be. I am finding the beauty in the mistakes, discovering new friends, feeling alive! ITs a bit busy now but in a good sense. I get to network my MOST favorite thing to do! I get to meet weird and interesting people (my favorite!) Praise God. He is tooo good to me! I feel like a love struck girl in the first few months of a new love, "HE LOVES ME!" she smiles and sighs.

February 12th is a coming fast...

2008-01-14T20:35:00.000-08:00

here's to one more month:

They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you son
So they can watch all the things you do

Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
Cause they got methods of keeping you clean
They gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine

They said all
Teenagers scare the living shit outta me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me
-my chemical romance

oh i should've been and english teacher

2008-01-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

So I was just thinking of rhetoric the other day and how important it is. I suppose history teaches this, and fools disagree with it. Any of us who have taken a history class, especially those of the diversity sort (African American, Womens, ect.) know that a change in "rhetoric" towards a people group or ideal, usually ushers in change or is ushered in by change. In any case it is linked to change. For examples, just think of any phrase which is "politically correct" and think of how it is somehow linked to a political or societial change. (although as a disclaimer, i hate that now adays things have to be so politically correct they seem sterile, or lose character.)

But with this in mind I was thinking of how important rhetoric must be in terms of the Churh. And I was probably a little sad after speaking with my highschool sunday school class about church, realizing that most of them think its just a sunday morning duty they have to complete before checking it off there list. I was wishing that there were more people around me that thought "wow, its sunday, i get to go to church," rather than, "it's sunday, i have to go to church." Don't get me wrong I do know some people that feel that way, but they (myself included) usually use the latter phrase. So i'm proposing that if you feel like that you should use the former phrase, "I get to go to church." I don't know maybe i'm just crazy or wrong but i feel like with this change in rhetoric, it may at least get others thinking and bring back some excitement to sharing in corporate worship and fellowship on sundays.

Also, reading Shane Claiborne's "Irresistable Revolution." Its amazing!

1,2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more!

2007-12-30T17:12:00.000-08:00

dude i have put my two maps (one of the US one of the world) on my wall and they are awesome! Also found a $5.00 little red dress that in my size at marshalls. I love it! its very little french girl and it fits like a dream! And in just two days i will be in new york with the turrigiano's... could this week get any better!

oh and my traveller i.q. has just reached a new level! i made it to level 10... ranked number 3 within my friends! oh yeah.... i'm so pathetic!

brain vomit

2007-12-23T21:08:00.001-08:00

so i've just come to the realization that other people who write blogs, really put time into them. They spend time writing as if they were writing a paper of some sort. they edit, they think and it sounds amazing and put together. while i on the other hand do think about my blogs but i write them as they come pouring out of my brain onto the keyboard. no thinking of how it fits or if its grammatically correct. while i think both very important in paper writing. my blogs are in rawest form, my brain vomit so to speak.
yet i'm glad i've come to this conclusion because i was beginning to think everyone thinks so succinctly, and i on the other hand am just utterly a mess in my brain. feeling a little absent-minded professor-ish. But i like my blog as my brain vomit space as well as i like reading others well-thought out blogs, i'm just happy to know i'm not as crazy as i think.
not terribly interesting, but there it is my brain vomit.

"Casey I just feel like i'm broken"-M.

2007-12-23T10:59:00.000-08:00

In light of recent events and seeing old friends, can i just say that life screws people up. And it happens pretty fast. Even in the most unusual place and most unexpected people. We are all just broken people. And I just look at my friends and people I've grown up knowing and see how broken they are becoming. It is breaking my heart. My soul is aching as I see them become crippled by life and its turns. And its tough. I know the answer, for Jesus came to heal the broken. And yet some of these broken people are followers of Jesus who are just continuing to be the ones causing and becoming broken. Some aren't and thats almost easier. Because you can show them a different way. We are called to help our brothers and sisters carry their burden, but what if they aren't wanting to find the answer. Getting well is hard. You have to be strong or surrounded by support... you have to dig into your pain and for some they've experienced so much its too hard.
Even yesterday in Old Navy trying on a Christmas sweater, I came upon a woman looking to see if she would fit/look good in this red velvet dress. I thought it was stunning but she didn't like it. She didn't like herself. She told me her husband had just died in a car accident. After 25 years of marriage and she didn't feel very colorful anymore. I told her I thought she looked amazing in red. But she continued trying on, liking nothing. Almost as if she could buy a little happiness or joy. But we had a good chat and I invited her to our church the next day. But it is just so sad to see such pain.
I guess I just feel like my eyes are being opened more and more to this brokenness I see around me. Its tough, I feel as if my spirit is restless and upset... squirming within my body. And maybe its due to a few hearings of very troubling news which included old friends.
And I know this is a very depressing and cynical blog.... but I'm not meaning it to be, for we have hope. And its radically inclusive. Jesus is the answer, anyone can have relationship with him. I guess its just sad when you see so many people who are broken.

Casey and the big apple

2007-12-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city. i love new york city.

ANd i love city boys!

why oh why am i in suburbia?

the cold war on the sofa is getting closer.

2007-11-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

So in just my second day of being a 19- year-old single mom of six children, we run into conflict. Its the everyday sibling conflict thing. Someone being mad at the other... neither one believing they are in the wrong. Not willing to apologize until the other sibling does, they feel vindicated in their anger. Its the stuff that makes up the days of moms everywhere, not unusual. But as it happens moms happen to be the mediators, the peacemakers, the diplomats. So I stepped up to bat.

I found to be a looking glass into the human complex. As I sat with each person in individual "counseling" sessions and began to tell to put themselves into the shoes of the other person, they seemed unwilling to even consider this possibility. They were so sure they were in the right, unwilling to look at the other through another lens than "evil-doing, corrupt, meanie sibling." And as unwilling as they were to look at life through the others eyes they were even more so to show that person grace, apologize, admit they were wrong, or forgive.

Which then lead me to my next point with each child, you can't change anyone but yourself. If you hate the situation, you have to change, or as Ghandi put it, " YOU must be the change you wish to see in the world." And of course neither of them could see how they could possibly change or would even need too.... haha. How human, we do this so often don't we. We can't see outside ourselves.

I found this to be a very profound look into humanity. At the essence of all of us, we are lawyers, able and willing to defend ourselves to the jury. We rarely try to see the other side, the compromise. Rarely do we take the path of the proverbial "bigger man" and admitting we were wrong first, apologizing first, giving grace to the other at the risk of being disrespected, or not having the other see how just maybe we were right.
Hmmm children are very telling .

Thankful Notes:
-the teenagers song by my chemical romance (it speaks to the shock-value rebel in me!)
-good hair days
-my fab boss
-play dough
-taking the trash to the street at night, when you can have quiet moment, or chat with the neighbor
-the glow of street lights at night
- the lump nooma video... it makes me cry every time and i'm not crier
-on that note the unconditional love and grace of jesus christ. that he loves me just as muchon my worst day as on my best!
-God's beautiful creation, those cute boys decked out in autumnal wear of sweaters and scarves!
- finding hidden treasure spots like the donut shack which is open 24hrs or killer trash in baltimore.
- emily and andrea who i feel to be soul sisters who are fun and deep ( a simple but hard combo to find)
-warm towels out of the dyer
- the AmAzinG and unique gifts god has given us
-my eyes both to see out of and to look at (i think they are quite nice!)
- my health and my body again to use and to look at!
-diversity
-people who are willing to dig with me, challenge me, journey with me.
-via

2007-11-11T18:31:00.000-08:00

"But greed is a bottomless pitAnd our freedom’s a joke We’re just taking a
pissAnd the whole world must watch the sad comic displayIf you’re still free
start running away.Cause we’re coming for you!"
-"Landlocked Blues", Bright Eyes

More to be thankful for:
-weddings
-visionary arts musuem
- make-up
- conversations with Becca
- chai tea
-seeing katie
-the support system the girls at work provide for eachother and the children. it really is a family
- being able to somehow show children at work the love of Jesus and provide stability and love in their life.

Beauty

2007-11-08T17:48:00.001-08:00

so i was just listening to that old worship song "Creation Calls" which i totally love. i remember my friend Amanda saying she didn't like, she says its a song for artists. Which ok maybe makes sense that i like it.

But really I love seasons... the change. The beauty of the everyday. The sun makes me smile. The crisp air. color. dark nights. light nights. The leaves changing. snow. the rebirth of spring. the depth of autumn. the fling of summer. Maggie tells me i'm hysterical, i eat seasonally, i listen to music seasonally, i dress seasonally. and each one excites me. I love it!

I just think that song captures it so well, "How can we say there is no God when all around creation calls..." I feel that way.

AND as it is the season of Thanksgiving i am going to start listing things that i am thankful for on my blog. Even the little things. So heres just a start:

-family!
-phone calls or e-mails from far off friends.
-grace
-colors! (and my love for their different shades, tints, and hues)
-leeann a friend who equally loves the small things as much as i do such as a perfect cup of hot apple cider
-the amazing experiences and adventures God has put in my life
-God's making us creatures of creativity whether it is lived out through loving to dress up, make music, study math or bake! We are all creative!
-that God made us creatures that are able to dance ( theres nothing better than dancing around the kitchen with a good friend and some fun music)
-provision
-saturdays
-my favorite mug
-people who make me laugh
-candle light on the ceiling
-nature especially the stars
- did i mention dancing
-good hugs(and willie for showing me the difference counts)

2007-10-30T09:38:00.000-07:00

so as i was listening to the radio an old song played one i like. I just love the words so i thought i would just copy a clip of the lyrics of the Song "What its like" by Everlast:

We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin for your change. the hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange. he asks a man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes"get a job you fucking slob" is all he replied. God forbid you ever had to walk mile in his shoes cuz then you really might know what its like to sing the blues. then you really might know what its like

I just love it. I think we are so quick to think and judge. To see a homeless man, a drunk, a thug, an addict, a teen mom, a prostitute and put them into the box of what society says about them "whore" "lazy" "heathen" . But what we need to do is see them as a broken human. They never started out that way and probably never intended to end up where they are. We don't know what's happened. They don't need more judgement they need love. All of this thought process is probably from the talking about working with women in prostitution in Baltimore. and that's what the people who work with the women caught in prostitution say. they don't need more shame they need love. This is where Jesus would be. On the front lines. The place and people which society disdains. This is where he would be showing them a different attitude.
Its uncomfortable for us to do this. Its so far out of what we know, our comfort zones, our convenient middle class suburban lives. But this is where we are called to be, where we have to be. And i know that I am no saint in this area but I hope to become more aware, more relevant, and more immersed in this place. I hope to be immersed in the "untouchable" of today.

black holes and revelations.

2007-10-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

Can i just say that things are settling in back home in MD now... i think i'm finding my way back into life here in a completely different way than before yet still me at home. And things are busy busy busy. as usual. but good.

I've just finished a photo essay for my women's studies class... its a FABULOUS class... but as i was completing the assignment, it struck me in so many ways young girls are socialized into seeing their physical assets as possibly the most important parts of them. I see it everyday at work, whether its little five-year-old kaitlyn telling me when she does jumping jacks she fits into her clothes better, or babysitting four year old kennedy who tells me she wants a belly like this (sucks in stomach.) And truly it breaks my heart. Why is society telling these girls what you look like is the most important, how thin you are determines your worth... God it makes me sick. No doubt i like to look pretty, anyone who knows me knows i love to dress up, but i don't think that my only worth is in my appearance. Although i have to say middle school and highschool do really make you concerned with all things physical. And it is hard when so much around you says be pretty, be blonde, be thin, be blue eyed, be this mold.
Beauty is sooo much more than purely physical. You can find beauty everywhere... in any size and any shape and any color. Why are we telling these girls who you are, what you think, your dreams, your thoughts, they don't mean much? What you look like thats where your value comes from... gosh it just makes me soooo upset. And we wonder why girls give themselves away so quickly to boys who don't deserve them yet... because they don't believe they are worth more... (and im sure there are lots of issues with boys and masculinity.) And sooo many times i find my girlfriends in these situations with these loser guys that they can't seem to ditch, and they give so much to them... and my heart cries... i just want to tell them "you're worth more than that, you are worth more than that." so that it will sinnk into they're very being, but it rarely does. and my heart cries.

What can you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

2007-09-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

So I guess I've graduated from the teenage use of livejournal to a blog, inspired by my wonderful sister to do so. I'm not so sure how i feel about blogging, i love writing to get it all out of me... i've always been a journaler, but posting it online... i'll give it a go though.

So I guess I've been back in the States from my year out in the UK six weeks now. I've come home to enroll at AACC (go figure right) and its finally settling down. Its like and now reality hits, this is where I am for at least the next eleven months. And its hard at the moment. I had settled into the way of life in the UK, had some good friends, and found myself in a church where I was involved and excited about life. And now I've done my seeing everyone and find myself missing Bristol.

I was expecting culture shock when I came home but here it hits. And the hardest part is feeling alone. I can't explain it to anyone, it would be for me to move back. And I have, I hate to complain because I know I'm very blessed, my friends just see that I've change and how that affects them. I just don't feel myself right now. I used to feel so alive, I was peppy, and now due to culture shock and some hurtful things I've heard were said about me, i just don't feel myself. I was so shocked about the things said. i tend to be very loyal, even when people have hurt me I don't go talking to others about them. And i know I need to throw myself into new here, new life, new friends, all of that but really i just feel like the piece in the puzzle that doesn't fit ( a bit dramatic, i know) It makes me all just want to leave again whether to England(which i hope will still be part of my future at some point) or somewhere I can start over, knowing no one. I know thats not the answer, because whereever you go there you are. And its hard too not to close down my heart after hurtful things have been said by someone you so trust and love. Sometimes I feel myself fighting the urge to shut down to build the wall, and i know because i've been there before and i have to choose to keep my heart open and soft, but its hard. And i think everytime this happens to me(which is not often thank God! I don't think I could handle it) that i can't do it again. But thank God he carries us through and the heart has amazing resilience.

With that said there have been some wonderful people who have been great to me... the salismans my family katie. And I've been offered a free room in new york city if i choose to go to uni there next autumn. And I know I'll be ok in the end its just getting there thats tough... I just feel like I need Jesus to carry me right now. He's all I have and I suppose thats the best position to be in. Well this has been super long and dramatic, but I guess bloggging is good it gets it out.